aspie ranting |
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If I seem a little distant or incoherent, it's because I am. I am not a NeuroTypical and I have no desire to become one. This is simply the area in which I stim my creative impulses. (WARNING: All entries are either ENTIRELY TRUE or ENTIRELY FALSE and anything claiming to be one of the latter is, in fact, one of the former. There are no exceptions to this rule.) comments, marriage proposals, and death threats can be sent here 
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Tuesday, July 30, 2002
Monday, July 29, 2002
disturbed at disconnection worries fall like wanton desire arcing across the fields of illumination fingertips dancing on eggshells hallowed sky among shattered angels and the wings rain down upon the cold midnight streets but feathers fall lightly and I much faster alien among the domesticated watching the primates play little games for little minds and potential blooms a glory to the heavens but this flower will not bloom in an excess of bullshit... Friday, July 26, 2002
all that is needed for an old program to replace a new one is about two weeks... that makes me worry about at least 3 people I know... Thursday, July 25, 2002
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Remember when the government was all up in arms about Jackass and the kids who tried the stunts and got hurt? odd how those voices are silent when something like this happens. Somehow teenage boys make better "victims" than a 4 year old girl... (don't ask me, I'm just an observer...) Monday, July 22, 2002
I hate this fall farther and further spinning out of control and all I wanna do is scream out so someone will hear and toss me a parachute paramour a new relationship (and love) is like a glass sculpture... beautiful, fragile, and dangerous if thrown... over reacting I'm over it sorry for the spinning out of control but I'm a little dizzy from basking in your afterglow and lovestroke's got me all turned around tell me that you love me I'll deny it it's what I do. someday you'll join the chorus laughing at me behind my back... desire falls like black lightning... and the stains on your window pane pain my existence stain my existence and you are there much more beautiful than the lightning when it stains the white windows (and I never thought I'd watch you slip away) fierce contentment and the whole world smiles and nods I'm coming up short in every department an no more witty repartee sitting in a corner (in a corner, how apropos) watching the fanblades dance across the sky watching her drift from me slowly like a figurehead without a ship. Friday, July 19, 2002
Thursday, July 18, 2002
"oh my god! I'm in Malcolm's car!" -- Emily, upon realizing where she was sitting. oddly, emphasis was placed on each word so as to make it have many different meanings at once. Wednesday, July 17, 2002
and now I'll not sleep for many more reasons... because I can't get that damn phone out of my hand... (not that I want to) Tuesday, July 16, 2002
"you need someone as fierce, violent, intelligent, aggressive, lonely, and beautiful as you. people such as this are rare in the world." -- Mara, answering what a person had to be in order to be considered "worthy" of me in her eyes. lucky me then... (*grins* and how interesting it is that somebody visited my page from a marlborough computer at about 7:45 AM yesterday. Now, who might be at marlborough that early in the morning? *chuckles*) Monday, July 15, 2002
Sunday, July 14, 2002
"I hope you're as happy as you're pretending..." -- Screaming Infidelities, by Dashboard Confessional "another wasted breath, again it goes unnoticed." -- Again I Go Unnoticed, by Dashboard Confessional "People always turn away, from the eyes of a stranger. Afraid to know what lies behind the stare." -- Eyes of a Stranger, by Queensr�che I hope that I matter to you... I hope that you won't betray me... I hope that this will be the friendship I've been searching for. funny, that night in the hotel I wrote something very profound... "Do what thou wilt and bloom. Do what you want and wilt." - me, Q4 2001 "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -- Shakespeare I was reading a book this afternoon and I came across a chapter about Propositional Calculus. It all seemed very familiar to me and then it hit me... this was the subject of my "logic" math class in 7th grade. *grins* and that was the class that defined me as a nerd in social hierarchy of junior high. damn highly gifted classes... Thursday, July 11, 2002
birthdays bring up many things... (composure is not one of them) *whispers* happy birthday, duckie... I love you. nightfallmoonshade moonshineswallowme swallowmeintoyourdepths yourdepthsarehometome hometomewhenit'snightfall Wednesday, July 10, 2002
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. "Dear friends, there is nothing in life to fear; no spiritual gain can be lost." -- The Politics of Ecstasy, by Dr. Timothy Leary eternal optimism... maybe he and Bucky Fuller had the right idea... or at least a better idea? "I just need this to be all right I can't feel this another night I can't take this I come unglued I might breakdown in front of you Necessary to medicate I'm not sleeping can't stay awake Can't see through this Too much pressure Drowning in this Too much pressure If you need me I'll be here Half unconscious to escape my fear My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high My chest is so tight I think I am going to die My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in" -- Pressure, by Staind "Look at me I'm so pathetic Can't Believe I'm just an addict I never needed anyone to help me I begging you To please come save me from myself Save me from my..." -- Me, by Staind "...and each of all has a lovestalk onto herself and the tot of all the tits of their understamens is as open as he..." -- Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce "... but we grisly old Sykos who have done our unsmiling bit on alices, when they were yung and easily freudened..." -- Finnegan's Wake, by James Joyce Tuesday, July 09, 2002
indoctrination... form a freeform emotional compass free in freeform emotional regress lie to yourself and make it your reality. and you're never gone... Monday, July 08, 2002
*sigh* will this melancholy ever end? oh well... I ordered more (legal) drugs this afternoon... maybe some of those will help. I wonder how many of my friends... read morse code fluently. trust me (completely... there's no such thing as partial trust...). value my opinion. know how to change a tire. know at least 37 different ways to, using one hand, kill someone. (whoa, grammar) know how to make fire out of snow. have ever gone without sleep for more than 3 days. have written a song. can read binary fluently. have read James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake. could survive in the wilderness for 4 weeks or more. can correctly crimp the ends of Cat5 cable. know anything about magick. think/thought that Taylor was good for me. can wire an electrical outlet. have learned anything from me. would take the time to appreciate the writings of Ezra Pound. but more than any of that, I wonder if anyone has been my friend for 3 years or more without a LARGE break somewhere... best I can see, only one person had, but I haven't heard from her in 3 years... I think that it was mostly because we rode the same school bus route together for 10 years... (though, admittedly we didn't become friends until the last 3...) I wonder if anyone cares. Sunday, July 07, 2002
to know eternal joy, one must also know eternal pain... that's the catch, I guess... nature is supposed to be a balanced force, so in fitting with that, so I suppose, is the process known as love... (I hope earthlings will start to see what I mean when I say that there's no such thing as a noun... Everything you think is a noun is actually a VERB. well, I guess that's an appropriate metaphor until they actually reach a waking state...) great... when I finally sleep, I'm attacked by nightmares... but fucking wierd nightmares... I hate waking up like that Saturday, July 06, 2002
and in a rising fugue akin to a descent into madness I can feel a darkness dripping from my soul and wings emerge like from a cocoon so don't blame me if it's a little hard at first to shake them clean *mantra* I will not replace one addiction with another... */mantra* never again... my goodbye to (read: final falling out with) taylor was over an addiction (though in all honesty I wasn't addicted, just using it to cope) that she obviously felt I supplanted for who knows what... maybe her... but that wouldn't have been supplanting... it would have been replacing -- and with an inferior thing. *sigh* puts Gurdjieff in a new light, no? so ask about me... you know I'll hear all about it. so let your jealousy ruin the last hope we have of working out... like I let my jealousy ruin the first. so hang up on me all you want (or don't want)... because I'm still hung up on you. butane love affair, panacea to boredom. and gone again like war on laetrile; empty and apart, but you never stop caring. "What's done is done Baby We could build Something new Well there's always Tomorrow You'd rather sulk And fade away Than take a risk To start anew You'd rather sulk And fade away Than take a chance To start anew When every disaster Brings us one step closer to To something new When every heartarche Brings a new opportunity To build something new When every disaster Brings us one step closer to To something new When every heartache Brings a new opportunity To build something new" -- Something New, by The Cable Car Theory "Here they come, armed with accusations, and the ability to speak is all that makes them dangerous. If you open your eyes when they're moving their lips you'll be sure to see that they're full of it, and I'm not buying in. You won't make one valid point, and you'll never concede this as validity. Here they come, armed with aggravation, and they never bother to question, "What's my motivation?" But if you open your eyes when they're moving their lips, you'll be sure to see that they're full of it, and I'm not buying in. This is not a modern anomaly, it's been going on for centuries. You're buying in, and I'm cashing out. This is not a modern anomaly, it's been going on for centuries, and you're just repeating the worst parts of history." -- Munchausen's Syndrome By Proxy, by The Cable Car Theory so, anyone who thinks that eminem is the apex of "offensive" lyrics should perhaps delve a bit deeper into the music community and take a look at some of the lyrics (not to mention song titles) of a band called Anal Cunt. To name a few titles of A.C. songs: Domestic Violence is Really Really Funny I Became a Counselor so I Could Tell Rape Victims they Asked For It I Got An Office Job For The Sole Purpose Of Sexually Harassing Women I Sent A Thank You Card to the Guy that Reaped You Kill Women Woman, Nature's Punching Bag You Converted To Judaism So A Guy Would Touch Your Dick You Robbed a Sperm Bank Because You're a Cum Guzzling Fag You Were Too Ugly to Rape, So I Just Beat the Shit Out of You You're Pregnant So I Kicked You In The Stomach Your Kid Commited Suicide Because You Suck *giggles* ah, the feathers that will be ruffled... how many self-righteous dykes (yes I'm using that word, and correctly, I might add) are gonna take offense (and probably write some diatribe in the socially accepted feminazi style in their weblog/livejournal/webpage) at this discovery? ah, the robotic reactions are so soothing... and somewhat more disturbing that any song title or lyric or ANYTHING ELSE could be... but that's another topic Friday, July 05, 2002
in context, I was trying to make an argument (futile as it may be) that I should be allowed to have as many children as I possibly can... "I think someday... maybe... you might be allowed... near children..." -- annalee so last night I had what I can only describe as a surreptitiously religious experience... well, maybe not religious... as I was driving home, suddenly I began inputting light signals from freeway signs and doing Fourier transformations in my head. At first I just thought I was on drugs (and I was) and imagining that I was right, but then I got home and inputted the light values into my computer... it was quite amazingly right on the money with the ones I had in my head... the brain is a complex thing that none of us fully understand... I'm sorry... it sounds so trite and a waste of time... but I haven't had a chance to apologize... so yeah... I'm sorry Thursday, July 04, 2002
"If you started in the wrong way," I said in answer, "everything that happened would be a proof of the conspiracy against you. It would all be self-validating. You couldn't draw a breath without knowing it was part of the plot." "So you think you know where madness lies?" My answer was a convinced and heartfelt, "Yes." "And you couldn't control it?" "No I couldn't control it. If one began with fear and hate as the major premise, one would have to go on the conclusion." "Would you be able," my love asked, " to fix your attention on Love?" I was doubtful. "Would it keep the evil away, if you could hold it? Or would you not be able to hold it?" I considered the question for some time. "Perhaps," I answered at last, "perhaps I could - but only if there were somebody there to tell me about how you are feeling about me. One couldn't do it by oneself. That's the point, I suppose, of our ritual - somebody sitting there all the time and telling you what's what." "the law of the jungerl." -- Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce wow... the simplicity and the complexity... I am constantly amazed by everything and I've come to realize nobody looks me in the eyes they look right through to their reflection and I've come to see nobody can see me nobody will ever understand my direction like a 2-D world (flatland) trying to see up out to this 4-D world (understand?) but you're down and out and ignorance is bliss wish I could forget the kiss that caused my last real erection and another half-hearted goodbye fuck it! I don't wanna try sobriety and I have no connection... Tuesday, July 02, 2002
"Its the first time I ever felt this lonely I wish someone could cure this pain Its funny when you think its gonna work out Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame I thought you were cool until the point But up until the point you didnt call me When you said you would I finally figured out youre all the same Always coming up with some kind of story Everytime I try to make you smile You're always feeling sorry for yourself Everytime I try to make you laugh You can't Youre too tough You think you're the best Is it too much that I'm asking for? I thought you'd come around when I ignored you So I thought you'd have the decency to change But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning 'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again Can't you see that you lie to yourself You can't see the world through a mirror It wont be too late when the smoke clears 'Cause I, I am still here But everytime I try to make you smile You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself Everytime I try to make you laugh You stand like a stone Alone in your zone Is it too much that I'm asking for? Yeah yeah yeah yeah Can't find where i am Lying here Alone I fear Afraid of the dark No one to claim Alone again Can't you see that you lie to yourself You can't see the world through a mirror It wont be too late when the smoke clears 'Cause I, I am still here Everytime I try to make you smile You're always feeling sorry for yourself Everytime I try to make you laugh You can't You're too tough You think you're the best It was too much that I'm asking for" -- Too Much To Ask, by Avril Lavigne (she is amazing, huh?) Monday, July 01, 2002
don't fight it... (I love it when you put up a fight) just let it be (you'd never let me be) and we'll be together soon (never soon enough) ready (or not) for another goodbye (why?) |
faeries have died because YOU haven't been clapping hard enough.