aspie ranting

2005-05-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

gentle at first, then suffocating
white wall's pock marked scars
dashed like truth in memory
retrospect and ill perspective
wingless angels adorned scowling
a caul of remorse, then gone
then gone again...

2005-04-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

illusions coincide only through doubt
an innocent mistress to truth
twice cuckolded, once scorned
though unabashed
gently pleading mercy
love's guileless scapegoat

2005-02-16T16:01:00.000-08:00

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

2005-02-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

tree branch expectant,
the wings' silhouetted ailerons flex
and extend, blooming with shadow

sunlight, a bone-pallid
carapace, chill & pearlescent;
half night-stilled & dream-submerged

Any water-songs left unextinguished
will be your own wells to wish into.

If the creeping reasons ever overtake me -- and I am growing
more willing to grant them audience -- they will find your
and your peers' objects' substance already
behind my eyes, between my lips,
offering what counsel they can.

2004-10-26T02:07:00.000-07:00

I am confronted, now, with defining genius. As any stance can be thus taken, no one is relevant.
Or this whole thing is not entirely relevant.

Genius is in understanding, defining, and changing the view of something you know nothing about by simply knowing what questions to ask. Genius is seeing the answer without even having yet learned a means by which to arrive at one.

Lonely... so lonely. There are no twin souls in genius. Indeed.

Genius lies in feeling probability waves enaharmonically... er... sardonically?

2004-10-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

You're all the dream I need...

I saved lives. A warzone happened its way into the area and I stopped everyone from getting hurt -- everyone but myself, that is. I cleared the train, the warehouse, and the train again, only to be taken captive by a set of eyes I have seen before. There were no words (what words express a warzone with an explosion of love...), no thoughts, only actions. In a world wrought with no language and only survival and love, I should have known it was all a dream.

2004-10-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

caught a train to Poughkeepsie and time stood still...

treacle traced dreams lace the moonlight in her eyes
she raises her breath to speak, but falls silent upon herself

2004-10-04T03:15:00.000-07:00

...the sad thing is, I think Crowley may be right... There really are no twin souls in genius.

Well, maybe not sad... or at least not for me, anyway. I am quite accustomed to the fact that I am different (so different, in fact, that I have lost all desire to interact with others allegedly of my species).

It's just sick that people are constantly praising my intelligence, but at every opportunity, they reject it. I don't wish to interact with such people in future. Yes, this makes things like having a job and going through daily life rather impossible, but I am prepared to suffer fools gladly... it's only been 22 years so far... why stop now?!

2004-07-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

The trance state of prophecy is like no other visionary experience. It is not a retreat from the raw exposure of the senses (as many trance states) but an immersion in a multitude of new movements. Things move. It is an ultimate pragmatism in the midst of Infinity, a demanding consciousness where you come at last into the unbroken awareness that the universe moves of itself, that it changes, that it's rules change, that nothing remains permanent or absolute throughout all such movement, that mechanical explanations for anything can work only within precise confinements and, once the walls are broken down, the old explanations shatter and dissolve, blown away by new movements. The things you see in this trance are sobering, often shattering. They demand your utmost effort to remain whole, and even so, you emerge from that state profoundly changed.

2004-07-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

There exists no intransigent opposites except in the beliefs of men. Anyone can rip aside the veil of Time. You can discover the future in the past or in your own imagination. Doing this, you win back your consciousness in your inner being. You know then that the universe is a coherent whole and you are indivisible from it.

2004-07-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

some things will never wash away
will never come back

2004-07-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to believe
in a life less ordinary
watching chao after chao
in each perfect elegance

2004-06-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

when to sleep perchance to dream
means dreams full-fledged and foreign
and lies expressed with contempt and
the callous disregard of truth.

Sweet Dreams, indeed.

2004-06-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

I carry a picture around
to calm my nerves
The picture of perfection
a girl who used to be my reason to breathe
who only chokes me up.

I have to lose my wallet
for any reprise.

2004-06-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

A very frightening experience when you discover for the first time you are in world full of people who have no reason to love or even like you and some even dislike you for reasons best known to themselves.

2004-06-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

They told me I would have friends...
but how do you tell friend from foe?

I am torn and twitching
craving a stim of anything but who you are.
Your face -- I remember the look on your face;
I am still trying to decipher.
The only thing I could think as you
approached my car was
"help me,
please."

I can't go on like this,
craving your release
denied the only one who helps.

2004-06-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

descent of Tanaerum.
stained stench of guilt
guards the entrance --
no taste of Cerberus.

Soul of Dragon Rouge
split path matched to forked tongues
two heads become one, not unjoined --
no glimpse betwixt.

antinomian parenthesis
(that we were)
a single voice.

2004-06-15T03:04:00.000-07:00

regurgitated lover
bile-drenched memory
of a whore not fit for
Eleusis. Persephone's fall
doomed to archtypal repetition.

so Iambe's cries echo across
even this distant time,
and the scorpion's instinct is
cruel subtlety.

2004-06-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Steely stars and moon of brass,
How mockingly you watch me pass!
You know as well as I how soon
I shall be blind to stars and moon,
Deaf to the wind in the hemlock tree,
Dumb when the brown earth weighs on me.

With envious dark rage I bear,
Stars, your cold complacent stare;
Heart-broken in my hate look up,
Moon, at your clear immortal cup,
Changing to gold from dusky red --
Age after age when I am dead
To be filled up with light, and then
Emptied, to be refilled again.

What has man done that only he
Is slave to death -- so brutally
Beaten back into the earth
Impatient for him since his birth?

Oh let me shut my eyes, close out
The sight of stars and earth and be
Sheltered a minute by this tree.
Hemlock, through your fragrant boughs
There moves no anger and no doubt,
No envy of immortal things.
The night-wind murmurs of the sea
With veiled music ceaselessly,
That to my shaken spirit sings.
From their frail nest the robins rouse,
In your pungent darkness stirred,
Twittering a low drowsy word --
And me you shelter, even me.
In your quietness you house
The wind, the woman and the bird.
You speak to me and I have heard:

If I am peaceful, I shall see
Beauty's face continually;
Feeding on her wine and bread
I shall be wholly comforted,
For she can make one day for me
Rich as my lost eternity.

2004-06-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

I thought of you when I was wakened
By a wind that made me glad and afraid

Of the rushing, pouring sound of the sea
That the great trees made.

One thought in my mind went over and over
While the darkness shook and the leaves were thinned --

I thought it was you who had come to find me,
You were the wind.

2004-06-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

Remember me as I was then;
Turn from me now, but always see

The laughing shadowy man who stood
At midnight by the flowering tree,

With eyes that love had made as bright
As the trembling stars of the summer night.

Turn from me now, but always hear
The muted laughter in the dew

Of that one year of youth we had,
The only youth we ever knew --

Turn from me now, or you will see
What other years have done to me.

2004-06-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Did you never know, long ago, how much you loved me --
That your love would never lessen and never go?

You were young then, proud and fresh-hearted,
You were too young to know.

Fate is a wind, and red leaves fly before it
Far apart, far away in the gusty time of year --

Seldom we meet now, but when I hear you speaking,
I know your secret, my dear, my dear.

2004-06-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

if you feel love,
you can buy love
you can fall the long way
to empty nights
and empty flights of fancy
in an ordinary way
if you feel love

I don't feel love
anymore

2004-05-31T01:18:00.000-07:00

get up
*pause*
stay awake long enough
to feel your joints ache
your joints, now roaches
soggy and expired
and how tired is normal
and how much is lethargy
*pause*
*fast forward*
maybe if I walk around
people will go away
*think*
they never go away

everybody wants to help
good intentions
though
are often lost in the shuffle

search
*searching*

pretense aside ---------->

I see it
the cycle (the wheel), the endless
regression progression recursion
and all I can seem to think about
(obsessively, it may appear at times)
are 4-, 5-, and 6-dimensional fractal patterns

"what the fuck is wrong with me?",
but I know. (are the two related?)

I know.

2004-05-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

all I want this year
is not to make you cry

2004-05-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

summer waxes
days grow longer
but shadows linger
enough to approximate night

I feel the ground
beneath my feet
rising to match a pedestal
72 inches above my brow

2004-05-10T01:21:00.000-07:00

I feel very disconnected from this timeline's relative 0-point; I remember this all happening already. I don't know quite what is happening, but I remember things that are going to happen. I have no control over how many things I remember and when (as does anyone, really), but I can remember some upcoming events.

I'm a little afraid that I may be delusional, but I will (as ALWAYS) suspend any belief annihilation until additional experiencial data becomes available in sufficient quantity to allow proper statistical evidence supporting an improvement in any (or all) of the belief systems.

2004-05-09T03:03:00.000-07:00

losing sleep for lack of breath
apathetic atrophy of appetite
excessive rumination degenerates

and I personally believe that
knowledge is the reciprocal of power
in a strictly geometric sense
and no amount of planar postulates
obfuscate the simple and elegant
axiom schema of intelligence

2004-05-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

disambiguate
trace the edge of ripple dark
waterbug mittens

2004-05-02T02:28:00.000-07:00

strangle my periphery
gasp, stutter, fall apart
cascade rushing out
out anywhere but in
pause never to reflect
or risk becoming empty
strangled by periphery

2004-04-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

bewildered
bleary eyed confessions
confessing more than I care
to even know
about quote love unquote

I have cast aspersions
(sounds close, doesn't it?)

2004-04-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

pnambic numbness
juxtapoetically inclined
and equally remiss
self-deprecated to the point of
pnambic numbness

2004-04-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

release me from
this hold
the cold hands clutch me
crutch to me

you are far to beautiful
when you do nothing
so do nothing
please

2004-04-24T02:50:00.000-07:00

When she to whom a person speaks
of temerity and doubt
can understand the simple art
of courtesy...

well, suddenly I don't feel so bad.
I guess that's sad to hear me say,
but I don't want to be exposed anymore.

New phase, low on time,
high desire, think think think
a couple more drinks, I think
I think, could spell "disaster"...

or "sars edit" or something equally trite
(worse: banal) I hope a quote will save me from
my madness

"Perhaps, moreover, he whose genius appears deepest and truest excels his fellows in nothing save the knack of expression; he throws out occasionally a lucky hint at truths of which every human soul is profoundly though unutterably conscious." -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

no... that mostly
just sums it right up.

escapism
come on
escapism

2004-04-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

{
"O love it is the commonknounest thing" -- Finnegan's Wake, James Joyce
}

;(I felt it a little pretentious to post this amongst my drivel.)

2004-04-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

Sad song with an honest yarn
common theme of a boy and a girl
lost in this world
where fairy tales of nevernever land
nevernever land

2004-04-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

crawling into bed listening to nostalgia... making an early night out of nothing.... i'm so easily haunted by your smell... my body remembers the texture of your hands... my fingers to your skin... and i know each thread of these sheets... i don't believe in missing people... especially people like you

2004-04-19T01:19:00.000-07:00

fractals are the balance... perfectly abstruse and, operationally, the zeitgeist of our age... the world of the stochastic made rational and put into the form of something that is, at its very core, nothing more than a mathematical representation of that endless recursive thought monologue that we all have running in our heads which force us to think beyond what we know.

The lowest levels are the phenomenon. The highest levels are the concepts and conceptual mappings. The levels inbetween are fractal in mapping and no one level exists outside any other -- as in the sciences (physics maps both the highest and lowest levels with chemistry, biology, etc. inbetween... each distinct in its own right, but not without its overlap on either side by the high or low level physical process.)

(The Tao?)

2004-04-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

there is no satisfaction
but a kind soul, long departed,
offers discourse, respite, and a smile a day.

there is no hope
but delayed suicide, long delayed,
offers discourse, respite, and a trial a day.

I miss the summer of yesteryear
and all the smiles and long kisses

2004-04-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

yes, I saw you online today... for a moment

a brief respite from your life of reclusion and distance
but you didn't have the guts to talk to me
just unblock me and hope

it makes me sick

2004-04-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

I can't see the love in your eyes
as the love drips down your thighs...

2004-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have been at a loss of words for the past few weeks. I apoloigize if this has in any way upset anyone who frequents (or fewquents?) this sad attempt at some expression of the frustration borne of living in a world like this one.

I want out, and I suppose as a consequence I have been thinking in strange new conceptual models...

I have made some surprising headway in superstring theory using, what I like to call, multidimensional overtones -- a term coined by yours truly. I was a little confused by the isomorphism implied by the use of string, but I now realize that 3-dimensional thoughts and ideas have no place in quantum mechanics.

(yes, I am reverting to my "intellecual" self now that my love has retreated for this, the next, last time.)

I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff; it's really fascinating...

2004-04-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

"When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice."
-- Otto Von Bismarck

2004-04-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

When the revolution comes, there will be no winners... only survivors.

2004-04-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

No matter how much sleep you get, you never quite feel rested.

I know.

2004-04-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

It was the nervous sound of someone tapping his shoe on the pavement. *Ring*... *Ring* ... "Hello?"

He smiled a smile that only his best friend would recognize, but that was quite imperceptable over the telephone. Before he could speak (what a time for a stutter, sputter and hesitation [oh my!]), he heard a loud sigh and an abrubpt *click*.

The smile felt hollow to him, a dance of scaffolding unfolding in a zen garden's simulation of the second law of thermodynamics.

I wonder if she still thinks of me, he thought. Just as soon as the thought entered his mind, he realized that it is now his time to shine -- to be free of all constraints and allowed to fill himself completely. I hope she doesn't still think of me.

2004-04-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

I smelled you today. It was the sweet smell you gave off after sex and I'm not sure what created that unique and intoxicating (though surprisingly relaxing) air. I opened my eyes and stared longingly at the pillow next to me, knowing that you'd never come back. I inhaled deeply and the scent burned every nerve on the way down. A tear formed, though I know not whether it was for you or for me.

I keep finding your hair pins. I found one in my bed the other day and one in my pocket yesterday. It's funny, my hair is still longer than yours. I guess I miss you is what I need to say... want to say, at any rate...

I miss you.

2004-03-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

I feel diseased
is this the price to pay
for glory
I'm falling faster
she's the only one who
knows this innocence
apparently
apprehension has
a strangle-hold
so hold on

this time

2004-03-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

"A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet."
-- Lao Tsu

2004-03-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

the vagaries and vicissitudes
of all these human platitudes
make people miss the sight
of everything between a fight
that this is not a priori clear
is my deepest darkest fear

the recherché obbligato of this prolix satori
inestimably afield of the light
of all the aperiodic crystals in Indra's Net
allow reflections on this

and every other

2004-03-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

...in the "perfect crime", it is the perfection itself that is criminal...

2004-03-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

[forgive the pun(s)]

Solvitur ambulando
though my soul wears thin
and crossfire is the building block of integrity

2004-03-02T00:21:00.000-08:00

Many claim that evil is ugly, but it is more often diguised in beauty; that is why we're tempted by it. The greatest evil can be a lie spoken from a sincere face, whereas the greatest good can be masked by fear and anger.

2004-03-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

Her beauty shimmers with the light of a new star

But she is the other.

Touch her, and you will know death.

2004-03-01T02:54:00.000-08:00

... if I can't have heaven, then I'm gonna raise hell...

2004-02-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

whispering artifact
(stranding twines of
the looseness in between
your fingers) speaks to me in
silken[listen, days are nights
and nights are mornings]voices
i breathe to[believe]touch
[between]
your fingers.

o, but these
eyes you look through
[i see inside through]
away outside you lock:
forever lives here,
tomorrow breathes[hopeless
endeav(our)]the closeness
you
still in moments.
[i could live in]

2004-02-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

Orbits hold for eternities
and seconds, and the remainder
of the time is spent remembering
of scents and sounds, but the best
was your laughter as your eyes
proved I was alive;
You are sculpted in my heart.

Created, you were sculpted
from stardust, and light from heaven's eye,
and I
could only dream to live within the orbit
of such the rage of grace
that is so savagely you.
But you hold me nonetheless
with the gravity of no words,
no truths to feel,
or fail.

And so we'll fall apart
for lack of promise and want of change:
need for it,
And our orbits may needlessly collapse.
To which sphere will the spirit cling
when her own is but taken by the night
and given over sacrificially
to the light from your sculpted hands?

The storm begins to pass
For all the absences and anger,
they will not feed us,
nor will you remember how my
heart felt in your hands.
I fall, escaping the way
you command me by your eyes.
I lose myself adrift
in search of the love behind those eyes
and the heart that once knew;
even the stars can hear it now -
you once loved me.

2004-02-24T00:49:00.000-08:00

At first touch
contact avoids
direct intrusion

love lost in
contagion and silent analogy

depths of chaos
the calm of an illusory balance
lost innocence and lonely pennance

for I am one day the Pariah
for I am one day the Parousia

fear is borne of guilt,
guilt of this rebirth.

2004-02-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

There are worse things to give up... worse things to lose than your life.

just one way
to believe, to trust; to try
to prove love

2004-02-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I'm the last breath of the four winds that blow
and I am left breathless for all that I know.
All that I've done and all that I've seen
is a muddle of things that I wish could have been.

A smile on my face is a dream I once had
but times have been good and now times, they are bad.
the knife in my back takes the life from my days
"don't let it get to you, just turn away."

2004-02-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

The brightest of lights is invisible;
it shines through your deeds
and warms the Universe.

2004-02-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

(only outlet at the moment, sorry)

every night I climb into my empty bed alone
while yours has room for more

2004-02-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

Love never hurts.

2004-02-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

it's a bad dream and waking to another, but
victims we are not; lovers we could be.

2004-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

I stand at the seashore, alone, and start to think. There are the rushing waves... mountains of molecules, each stupidly minding its own business... trillions apart... yet forming white surf in unison.

Ages on ages... before any eyes could see... year after year... thunderously pounding the shore as now. For whom, for what?... on a dead planet, with no life to entertain.

Never at rest... tortured by energy... wasted prodigiously by the sun... poured into space. A mite makes the sea roar.

Deep in the sea, all molecules repeat the patterns of one another till complex new ones are formed. They make others like themselves... and a new dance starts.

Growing in size and complexity... living things, masses of atoms, DNA, protein... dancing a pattern ever more intricate.

Out of the cradle onto the dry land... here it is standing... atoms with consciousness... matter with curiosity.

Stands at the sea... wonders at wondering... I... a universe of atoms... an atom in the universe.

2004-02-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

ferral moon rising
rusted red
waxed and waining

stars
diamonds in the sky
carbon lifeseed
starseen twinkling

2004-02-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

wind

current and frenzy
gaseous rough and tumble game
torrent: push and pull

2004-02-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

"nothing ever seems to turn out right.
no, nothing ever seems to turn out right.
so i'll leave it at this.
my deepest regrets."

-- from "Early Out of the Gate" by The Good Life

2004-02-07T02:32:00.000-08:00

I have lost myself completely...

I don't my points across because, much as my high school career fared, I didn't "show my work"

fcuk that.

I am forgiven.

2004-02-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

contemplative... contempt brewing, stewing, fuming... a compass that doesn't point, and a point that is lost a dozen times or more... the score? her - everything... me - 0... she is undefeated, undone, unbecoming, unforgettable, undying... a figurehead without a ship... a reason to lose all reason... the very model of a dream... the very essence of the thing itself that becomes not itself... she is hope... she is caring when you've got nothing left to lose... she's the curly fry that they plant in the regular fries... she is the sound of one hand clapping... she is restless, she is bold... she is nervous, she is cold... she is ageless, she is new... she is perfect, but not too perfect... she is comfortable, she is uncomfortable... she is the perfect fit to a piece that can't be missing... she is breath... she is infinite when the morning light shines on her face... she is golden when she smiles... she is inspiration, she is pain... she is sex in random places and always asking about it... she is the wind... she is a kiss that can last... she is touching tongues... she is someday, oneday... she is indiscretion, she is secretive... she is gone... she is fake like you... she is free, but cursed with memory... she is lies to protect me, she is the truth underneath... she is a cheat code for the level I can't beat... she is pleasure... she is evergreen... she is forbidden and always available... she is addicted... she is strong... she needs... she is illusion... she is almost buying into the lies that surround her like a fragile house of cards... she is spiteful and quick to anger... she is defensive but likes to get first blood... she is amused by the disparity of despair... she is afraid of it too... she is the fear of losing someone to your own petty fears... she is close... she is easy... she is right... she is wrong... she falls apart... she hates too much... she is pain... she is nothing but the best... she is trying too hard... she is creation... she is a bed with messed up covers... she is unafraid... she is forgetting the 4 items... she is a loner... she is an attention whore... she is attentive... she is warm... she is nice -- yeah, nice... she is a playground... she is a dream... she is gone... she is two noted so in tune that the overtones ring... she is circular breathing... she is tired... she is alone... she wants it that way... she is not a martyr... she is not here... she is not... she is a dream... she is gone...

2004-02-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

a change of scene
a case of fantods
a total of 3 words change

unless you haven't been forthright.

something is missing here... something big.

2004-02-02T02:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

I know I've done some pretty crappy things... so let me suffer, not her. Yeah, she gets mixed up and sometimes she blows it, but she's as good as you've ever made. If she wants to feel better, then make her feel better, damnit... don't mess this up or you'll have ME to deal with.

-me

2004-02-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

the danger of holding on to things that
long to be free
lies not in caring, but in holding on too long
to things already lost
in a white knuckle's atrophy

holding on when all we really want to do is to let go
and see how far we fall

and see how far we've come...

2004-01-24T03:20:00.000-08:00

patient
the circumspect circles
growing darkness around my eyes
begging for residence as another sleepless night
beckons dawn's rosy fingers

light
less a load in a sense
but less nonetheless

dreams
restless in themselves
unnerving in context of the morning after email
and I haven't seen sunlight in days

waking hibernation
dangerous limbo of malnutrition
a diamond's scattering of light frosts the bitter residue
of a faithless wonder boy
boy wondering if there is a reason
a plan or a great tapestry that is bigger than he
and the days that feel like these

2004-01-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

reconcile your two faces
the world and mine
don't close your eyes for sleep until the
wee hours of twilight's morn
turning everything black and white
in a world of shades of grey

this is my compromise
my eternal satisfaction

I wish it didn't hurt to say these things
forget tomorrow and yesterday
(it's all a blur anyway)
forget me
but you're wearing my shirt
and my heart is on the sleeve
and your smug confidence is offputting

this is not my compromise
my eternal disappointment

take a breath, my scent is gone
forgotten in the wash like a heart betrayed
and where were you, when I needed
you
are my broken dreams and promises
faded over time like the day you were mine

this is my love's demise
my eternal satisfaction

2004-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

"I did love the man this side of idolatry as much as any."
-- Ben Johnson (about Shakespeare)

2004-01-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

"Your Own Disaster" by Taking Back Sunday

2004-01-20T03:53:00.000-08:00

even when the odds are stacked against me
(and especially so, then)
I will not faulter to fabrication
no whys become no lies when
answered disproportionately
consequently, futhermore, and henceforth
a locked lock granting no consequence
for the keys themselves, being not themselves,
queued in a trance of false witness

a slave, as pound wrote, is a man
waiting for somebody else to free him
so i must go without offence
and deny contrafactual definiteness for the sake
of less than convention
and a fundamental (though bibliomancic, at best) truth
(at the end of it all, so you'll likely skim the rest)

The price we paid for that vision was the possession of that vision...

2004-01-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

Pressure has a way of exposing our fault lines...

"Wow, your life is a soap opera, huh?" --Greg

I suppose it is, but not in the mildly entertaining (okay, horribly addictive) way. I have long suffered fools, and I have never done so gladly. I guess what I mean to say is that the things that I do to help people, misguided as some of these attempts have proven to be, are rarely and unceremoniously appreciated. Of course, there have been a few notable exceptions (you all know whom you are... both of you), and for those I am indebted... my respect will always be due to those who are strong enough of character to admit when they have been wrong, especially without any prodding on my part (don't be cheeky!). In all fairness, my advice and counsel was not oft requested, but it is truly a wise person that knows of acceptance despite themself. I have not been this wise at all points of my life (less so now, in fact), but the great thing about life is change.

Change doesn't happen right away, but rather slowly and gradually -- at least so it would seem to those watching us. But inside us, we feel the change as almost an affront to our comfortability (read: stagnation) of self-preservation. You don't wake up one day and suddenly act like a different person (or even the person you might want more than anything to be) or forget everything that has happened to you and start anew. But there is a day that comes when you can look at yourself in the mirror when you're doing something ordinary or mundane and catch a glimpse of yourself -- one of those powerful, thought provoking looks that are generally reserved for judging other people -- and you can be proud of the progress that you have made toward what you want. If it truly is what your heart wills, then happiness is surely not far off.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law...

oh, and in better news, I have decided that I am going to renew one of my old nicknames...
*raises a glass* here's to better times and lots of quackery... *quack*

2004-01-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

The message now is that the message keeps changing.
Intelligence must increase as consciousnesss expands, or we get burned-out.
I got rid of my own fears as a new year's resolution.
But now, I have no fear of other people's fear.
Truth. Truth.

there is no need to repeat the old misery imprints.

(Love, check the index about Malik's dogs...)

2004-01-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

"She said that living with me
was bringing her down, yeah
and she would never be free
when I was around."

-- The Beatles, Ticket to Ride

2004-01-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

what a fitting end... I was right all along.

2004-01-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

Todd Manning, here I come...

2004-01-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

wherever there is danger, opportunity is there as well...

2004-01-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

12 dimensional spacetime
a lattice of superstrings
arranged in interlocking pentagons
but time
is a human construct

vibration
a cosmic front side bus
clicking the quanta of the experimental
turned experiential
only after the comprehension of a science
can the beauty of a science take over
written prose
aghast and ghostly
a reflection (an imperfect copy at best)
of peace

2004-01-11T05:12:00.000-08:00

synergy/atrophy
anaboly/cataboly
essergy/entropy

paradigm/parody
interpretation/explanation/explication
perception -- performance
cognitive economy
dynamism ~ flexibility

reformation/operationalization

The General Laws & Corollaries of Informatics
I. Intelligibility varies with the availability of information.
II. Facility of information depends upon its relevance.
III. Cognizance requires continuing feedback.
i. The probability of error increases with the demands of the task.
ii. The relevance of information changes with the choice of the task.
iii. Informed action involves both feedforward and feedback in dynamic conjunction.

affronted/accosted
(by a barker playing a simple tune upon his flute... toot, toot, toot, toot!)
song/seam
steam/fog
fog/cloudy
cloudy/rainy
rainy/wet
wet/well... wet

2004-01-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

I, who cannot trust, have failed you. I trust now, you will do the same.

2004-01-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

every line calculated to be as cold as possible and cause the most amount of damage.

(I can't be broken anymore)

I will not sit idly by and be accused of the very things to which I am being subjected.

(I can't be alone)

I will not love you again.

(I will not hurt you anymore, unless by absence)

goodbye

(goodbye)

2004-01-08T03:33:00.000-08:00

I guess I need to be dead...

2004-01-08T01:52:00.000-08:00

all human beings (and most of the non-beings too, I suppose) are disgusting, mishapen, disgusting meatbags with no more sense than immediate (or the closest thing to immediate) gratification of social pressures... nobody feels their blood boil quite like he can; being a nerd at heart, he always associated with the closest approximation that sci-fi could come up with -- the Vulcan's Pon farr. When the world around you closes in (okay, get ready for the biggest nerd pun I've had in weeks) on you, fuck everybody.

even the deepest part of every person is laced with some carnal desire designed to increase their chemical output in the body, be it hormones or neurotransmitters or the all to common squirts of dopamine. What can you mean?

what can you mean?

---^~-----^~---^~--^~^~^v^v^v^|---------------------*
mjp

2004-01-05T03:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have something to say, but I can't ever find the words.
I want to communicate, but too much is lost in translations
loose approximations at best and all too common misunderstandings

I would feel contempt, but it falls in the realm of inexperience
a lack of total understanding -- not communication
understand?

2004-01-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

you don't get it
you probably never will
and yet the understanding you claim to have
will forever elude you
in the darkest times

there is a reason
for all injustice

there is a word that speaks
of all inequality

there is no word or set of words
for reprogramming

2003-12-29T01:57:00.000-08:00

kaima, kiirar...

the tongues
the lore of embracing
and believing
composing a redefined
edge
caustic in nature
though unseemingly so
where even none should be
and oft are

states
elect states of joy
over comfortable fear
and pain
selfcycle the losing program
myraid more
waiting to install
instill this
for the choices are limitless

as is ingorance and, by extension,
naivitee
(thalion huine)

2003-12-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

the things you would never say
outright

2003-12-08T01:52:00.000-08:00

I have found your edge
and with gentle waves guiding
a redlined approach

2003-12-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

aeipathy - n. - continued passion; an unyielding disease

2003-12-04T03:47:00.000-08:00

time, as a function of being apart, is a menace.

the more time apart, the greater the distance when we come back... that's what failed last time.

but don't listen to me,

I'm never right.

2003-12-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

of all the ironies,

Never Never Land

2003-12-01T15:59:00.000-08:00

then I will go with
tears
melting pain boiling

the way of
the Kobayashi Maru

2003-12-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

if an email like that doesn't make my fucking heart explode, then I believe in the healing power of love.

you promised me that everything would be alright...
... and now I'm about ready to believe you.

I have enlisted the aid of some old friends, but you needn't be bothered with mystical hogwash
forgive my optimism, but it has worked wonders before