aspie ranting |
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If I seem a little distant or incoherent, it's because I am. I am not a NeuroTypical and I have no desire to become one. This is simply the area in which I stim my creative impulses. (WARNING: All entries are either ENTIRELY TRUE or ENTIRELY FALSE and anything claiming to be one of the latter is, in fact, one of the former. There are no exceptions to this rule.) comments, marriage proposals, and death threats can be sent here 
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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
it isn't far to look for talent for companionship for anything that makes it stop but they never do there is no forgotten dream just mixed emotions conflicting desires because everything just simply is and pride has never come before a fall for pride has never quite been mine at all the things left unspoken now will forever disturb the peace hold not your tongue with me nor your imagination distrustful inspectors laud a great mistake and the smile, his smile, was formed it was sardonic forgiveness is granted when change is observed, right? but how can change truly be observed without forgiveness? there's a way, you told me once, to make sure we'd make it but I have some serious doubts and most of them are not your doubts but just that you have any afford me the respite to forget this ever happened a fresh start but a familiar one... Tuesday, October 28, 2003
the spiderweb's cloy clings to morning's dew and sunlight dances reminds me of the sparkles in your smiling eyes Sunday, October 26, 2003
This was a wonderful weekend, truly. Somehow I both hope and know that life will continue to be this amazing and that thought is warm and safe. ------------------------------------------------------ I now think of Proust writing about the "end of jealousy" as the beginning of true love. ------------------------------------------------------ The light -- the one that radiated from me so much that every mystically inclined person that I knew only knew me because they searched me out -- is back. I see all things with an inner light I have seen the doors to Chapel Perilous swing shut behind my back but this time from the outside is far more satisfying and Love ------------------------------------------------------ and Love. ------------------------------------------------------ "History is made by men who do not think of the ultimate effects of what they are doing." -- Malcolm's Second Law of History Friday, October 24, 2003
this inebreation is a blessing and a curse a defining character strength and flaw weakness in strength finds strength in weakness honesty is the stain the social sin of which I am guilty guileless and as a result unbroken you may love me now you may be loved by me now I will be happy. "The word that always comes to mind with Malcolm is farouche---and I used to call him the child of my soul, the child of my dark places. The deep passionate feelings, deep deep passionate convictions ..." -- The contributer of most of my DNA Thursday, October 23, 2003
there is an angel which resides in my heart and sometimes she is near to me and sometimes she needs to disappear I am okay with that because I know that I reside in her heart and nothing can change that Monday, October 20, 2003
Dear world, I am in Love with Shannon Elizabeth Balue. No matter what happens in my life, this will not change. While there may be other people who may one day reside in my heart, none will measure to her. No matter what I say. She is my soulmate. Thank you for your time, Malcolm clear head clear conscience clear heart clear mind free and clear I see her watching waiting, always waiting for me to wake up and I have loved "not wisely but too well" when all she wanted was what I wanted and you, dear heart, will always know it was in your smile Sunday, October 19, 2003
so I dream of despair, as if my nightmare would be in a state of joy so that it might be taken away... There is no life in Universe. I mean not even on earth. There are meat puppets that follow their weak chemical bonds and flashes of electricity to convince them that Brain is all knower of everything and all reality. But when that fails you, something happens. You realize you can't trust your own senses you wonder how much of your reality is hallucination. Nobody "owns" even themselves. Weak metaphors for some flashes of electricity, maybe a neurotransmitter or 14. Deeper and deeper the rabbit hole goes but I've seen the bottom and I know what waits there always waiting always watching. Gravity is formed by an intersection of two dimensions of time that also, coincidentally, form the very model of a light cone. (write that down, it's important!!!) I remember myself in the fall of '96 (before the winter of discontent) and I remember hope and I remember the dream I had and I remember I can't forget these past seven years all the twists and turns but I wish for the endurance of my fearless freedom I will not grow up to be jaded I will not grow up to be naive I will not grow up to be abused anymore I will not grow up like them and I suppose that's what this started all about, not growing up to be like them... I will be different. I will be alive. Saturday, October 18, 2003
don't tell me I'm fucking crazy... not okay don't tell me I'm fucking ridiculous... less okay don't tell me that you love me...? Now there's a problem. I can be all those things and more... as you well know all you have to do is stop believing in me again... I am done playing games. I am done playing roles. I am done catering to the needs of a fickle lover. I am done treating everyone with kid-gloves. I am more me than ever, baby... get ready! He hadn't eaten in three days -- partly because he was so full of bitterness and resentment that he didn't have any room for food. Everything was building, almost like a cheesy film noir, but something was different this time around; the gloom and pain that was everywhere, suddenly, imploded into nothingness. He was free. It took everything with it... everything except Love. "I Love you." he said, quietly to himself. But, she was nowhere to be found. Friday, October 17, 2003
fuck all the everyones who know nothing about me fuck all the everyones who think I am nobody fuck all the everyones who dismiss me fuck all the everyones who don't care how I feel fuck all the everyones who don't know how to help and don't try. and you... probably fuck you too... Thursday, October 16, 2003
"Delusional I believed I could cure it all for you, dear Coax or trick or drive or drag the demons from you Make it right for you sleeping beauty Truly thought I could magically heal you You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening Failing miserably to rescue Sleeping Beauty Drunk on ego Truly thought I could make it right If I kissed you one more time to Help you face the nightmare But you're far too poisoned for me Such a fool to think that I could wake you from your slumber That I could actually heal you.. Sleeping Beauty Poisoned and hopeless You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening Failing miserably to find a way to comfort you Far beyond a visible sign of your awakening And hiding from some poisoned memory Poisoned and hopeless Sleeping Beauty" -- Sleeping Beauty, by A Perfect Circle Wednesday, October 15, 2003
this is my place to vent and rant and make no sense at all... this is not my notion of reality... this is not real. I am not real. all bitterness, resentment, distrust in due time forever waining a mistake of youth and inexperience wishing away the remnants of a life better left forgotten for understanding is a dangerous gift a blessing and a curse but afflicted am I by an inverted situation perpetually in the dark surrounded by limelight basked in anonymity's infamy a fellow traveler a wary soul an adventurous spirit and an outright lunatic wage of experience taxing my mind old war wounds that never heal too busy hiding them to notice anything else things left unsaid unfelt unfeeling and belief will never betray those who never believe levy of faith taken away leaving nothing but I will remember the great advetures we'd imagined and how so many things seemed possible and no matter what we always had eachother the overconfidence I thrived on was poison in the end Tuesday, October 14, 2003
"Oft expectation fails, and most oft there Where most it promises; and oft it hits Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits" -- All's Well That Ends Well if you think you've discovered some new level of thought THINK AGAIN if you think you're developing some new type of paradigm THINK AGAIN if you think that I don't know exactly what is happening THINK AGAIN if you think that I am as stupid as everyone likes to think I am then you're in for a big surprise... I've lost all my marbles now sanity in shambles and you're not out of the briar patch yet dementions enacted in many dimentions reacting to the rate of the hate spewing past your forked tongue release my soul so I may wander free of you but you never do Monday, October 13, 2003
sometimes I can't help myself hope springs infernal and I can't give up no matter how much it kills me inside "i resent you calling i resent your voice i resent that i don't have a choice anywhere i go you are always there outside the car or in my hair i think i've been here before yes i've been here before the last time you locked all the doors and i resent you calling i resent your voice i resent that i don't have a choice and yes i am yes i am i think i've told you once i think i needed advice you were such a help that's very nice i think i've been here before yes i've been here before but this time i kick down your door yes i am yes i am" -- "Yes I Am" by Radiohead never opened depths of fears and despair haunting the sighs that occasionally hint at the tumult felt inside and the only thing I miss the most is missing missing you the sweet decay of fermenting love from nature's innovation to intoxication's chance the final rung of pessimism some wise man once said two broken hearts three things in all will haunt me as pure melancholy starving hoping wanting waiting waining falling harder takes on all new meanings help me fight these curs�d feelings I'm not dealing well with things among the many things that plague me lately withdrawl with drawls after all the wall was there before the call for help, a rescue from the squall of squalid remorse wrapped in an apology call there is no relief from this forget preconceptions fight the infernal temptations break all habits here and now ask the tough questions nobody wants to answer and listen close and listen deep to the not so witty banter because deep in the heart of every verse is a hint at something better and 2 hints of something worse scratch that I didn't mean to hurt you I didn't mean to confuse you with my feelings I didn't mean to do a lot of things I never do... Sunday, October 12, 2003
as luck would have it you don't seem to mind you've got backups and fallbacks and drugs to numb you blind but don't forget this little bit if there are no chairs, then where do you sit? Saturday, October 11, 2003
Friday, October 10, 2003
in heartless confidence I survey my secrets my secret fears my secret doubts my secret identity half-spoken half-truths half forgotten by the end not believable not now not this time not this time I surmise I could try to follow and go with the flow but malcontent muses somehow manage to misbehave in the here and now something meaning more than then meaning more and then meaning no more than any more anymore a pizzicato rambling and lately I don't mind a silent trust although unkind and your "doing alright" is better than mine Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Wanted -- by ME! (Verse 1 & Chorus) ---------------------------- I wanted a lover not a lush I wanted a girlfriend not a crush I wanted to be important not ignored I wanted to be wanted Loved and adored I fell apart so slowly everytime you never called and everything you promised me is always unresolved Saturday, October 04, 2003
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
every breeze whispers your name your gentle eyes always undressing shaking the very foundation of a life less ordinary and far more fun a partner is all we needed and we have been discovered and uncovered and life is pretty kick-ass now that we're together (forever) |
faeries have died because YOU haven't been clapping hard enough.