If I seem a little distant or incoherent, it's because I am. I am not a NeuroTypical and I have no desire to become one. This is simply the area in which I stim my creative impulses. (WARNING: All entries are either ENTIRELY TRUE or ENTIRELY FALSE and anything claiming to be one of the latter is, in fact, one of the former. There are no exceptions to this rule.)

 
it's a matter of timing, I've learned...
I've just never learned my own.
posted by Sinister at 4:06 AM

 
end of the road...
posted by Sinister at 3:10 AM

 
I go through 12 stages of dealing with loss
in under 10 messages
and I've come around
to a lot of things unspoken

and the only thing in which I've suceeded
is in failing you every time

and maybe that's the way it's meant to be
and if that's the case, then I'm sorry for my part
but for my part, I Love you.

and four dozen or so second chances
much much later
some things are grudgingly accepted
in spite of fate's alleged respite

forgive me my dramatics
as I forgive you yours
but we both know

and in the end,
I guess it's what matters most

You perforce know that I will
Love you
for always.
posted by Sinister at 7:41 PM

 
riptide
I'm caught in your ripples
and ripples' refraction
no contact
interaction
rippled riptide
jewelled joining of a fan club's dedication
erasing all the ins and outs of
upsidedowning
upsidedrowning
topsy turvying
and turning and turning
and turning and turned into the thing you most hate
but hatred stems from desire
well, the pain of a dashed desire
dashed crashed smashed shattered
and broke

up
climbs the soul
of a very old tale
till the sun scrapes over buildings
fusion
jewelled joining the vapor that tapers
and bends to desire
still loathing his primitive desire
still locking it away deep
with intense concentration
until a riptide is formed in the pits of the mind
and torrid torrents breach the brain:fire barrier
but like locusts his emotional gluttony
devoured everything swirling
around in my mind

and grew...
posted by Sinister at 5:45 PM

 
fuck this

I might as well decompose
and grow into something pretty (a rose)
than play to the throes
of love
or so it seemed
a little to real
posted by Sinister at 7:55 AM

 
hanging
in a perfect pose
of lost, of losing, of trying to forget
driving
to my wits end
the endless schema of love's
antimachination

empty miles
stretch out the horizon
fun house mirrors and strobe lights
and we pale with comparisons

beyond the pale
a clandestine paramour
(who, admittedly, has told a few)
tries to level out the hopes and fears
with dope and beers
pills of every colour, size, and effect
until the affect becomes indistinguishable
unfounded delusional paranoia found

shaking alone in empty beds
cold to the touch
endless nights of tossing and turning
trying to find your body next to me

coping not copacetic
love is not jaded but maybe not enough

we fall, we hit the bottom
we fall, we float to the heavens
we fall, and falling takes its toll
posted by Sinister at 5:29 PM

 
the gravity of the status quo
is a caul of unforgotten and unmade promises
an inkdrop spread across a signature line
and a promise never to part

the part that obscures me most
is the longing for what we already have
as if it could leave at any moment
and I am already preparing to live without you

sitting on swings in a park
watching the mood shift a half dozen times
playing a dangerous game that isn't a game
and now it's phone tag with "I love you"

night time is lonely without you
and you seem so far away
I am afraid to touch you, to see you
because the space between us
is so limiting

justifying fears of failing and falling
when there's no cause for either
I just can't believe with a whole heart
the things I hear
and I doubt you even care
for my rhyming reasons

I'm not a model of perfection
and certainly not worthy of this
so I can't help but feel
that I need to make this up to you
I can't find the way
until the way finds me

and all I feel is

sadly not enough
posted by Sinister at 12:23 PM

 
a drought of tears
that will never fall
(even upon wet pavement)
posted by Sinister at 4:45 PM

 
I am scared... very scared.

maybe this isn't right for us... maybe you deserve better...

I am a neurotic mess... with which you shouldn't have to deal.

(help)
posted by Sinister at 7:48 AM

 
Immediately upon accepting my fate, I felt an almost overwhelming feeling of, well I can't say I know how to describe it other than to say that it is, guilt. Guilt, as it turns out, is pretty close in the cycle of hatred, and it seems that it's pretty easy to slip back into hating myself -- I mean, who am I really kidding here? As it stands, I am sorry that you have fallen in love with me. I never intended to strand you here, nor did I intend to give you hope that, for all intents and purposes, everything would and could be okay.

I Love you, and I accept all of the fallout that brings. I would be content to make all your dreams come true, and I hate that I will miss out on that.

I couldn't imagine life without you, so I can't say that I understand what you're going through. I suspect it doesn't matter, as we're likely to find eachother again -- assuming that things are getting better each time around, that is. I'm sorry, in any event.

I regret never being able to find the words for what you make me feel, and I doubt that I will find them soon enough, and I hope that you really do know; you are worthy of everything I feel, you know... really.

I don't know what else to say except that I am sorry and, despite life's detours and painful lessons for the both of us, I truly and completely in love with you. I'm sorry things haven't been easy, but I think we did the best that we could given our individual (and collective) temperments at any point in our past. I can only thank you for everything, and hope that's enough.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I Love you, always.
posted by Sinister at 1:07 AM

 
who would have thought
that a few hundred miles
would tear apart our (delicate) hearts
posted by Sinister at 7:43 PM

 
in the moment
having watched first light
trickle down the ceiling
and grace your beautiful
peaceful face
and you stir momentarily
as I hold you close

your eyes open
and the genuine smile that pours forth
outshines first light
posted by Sinister at 9:50 AM

 
we are alright.

I am scared.
You are scared.

we are alright.
posted by Sinister at 2:47 PM

 
at a loss for words... or at a loss for the right words.

conditions are losing coherence
and there's no reason not to
unless images are at stake
but the image of a thing
is not the thing itself
you see?
posted by Sinister at 5:59 PM

 
I wish...

(you know for what I wish)
posted by Sinister at 11:11 AM

 
a ball and chain
is the surest path to freedom

funny how that works, non?
posted by Sinister at 6:48 PM

 
this is the beginning
and as far as we take it
is as far as we can go

consumatum est
one last adventure?
one last voyage?
or one last time even of last times.

always be true and you will find me there.
posted by Sinister at 9:02 AM

 
"Remember, remember the 5th of November,
gunpowder, treason, and plot..."

Happy Birthday...
posted by Sinister at 11:15 PM

 
and if it weren't and you did, what does that say?
posted by Sinister at 9:40 PM

 
and if it were the last time we could see eachother, would you really deny me?

or yourself?
posted by Sinister at 9:20 PM

 
You,
and my pride is there,
who are less in your own light, better-loved,
who are strange to me no longer. We have grown,
I know,
in the same dark gardens. We have drunk
the same difficult water under the trees.
The same severe angel has menaced you.
And our steps are the same, freeing themselves
from the brambles of forgettable childhood
and the same impure imprecations,

You, who are more
beautiful than lightning,
stain the white windows of
my memory.
posted by Sinister at 9:19 PM

 
though it kinda defeats the purpose, why not?!

"Carve Your Heart Out Yourself -- by Dashboard Confessional

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay (all of now)"
posted by Sinister at 7:28 PM

 
if I ever had to lie to keep you
I don't know what I'd do
after all that we've pulled off
it's the worst we could go through

I'd cut my throat a thousand times
and never breathe a word
about the things we whispered softly
and all we won't afford

the effort seems unruly
the time lost seems too much
and hanging on in the guise of freedom
is sorrow's lasting crutch

I just want to Love you, baby
and have you Love me back
but after all we've been through, baby
our gentle hearts did crack

I couldn't put a timeframe on it
nor spell it out in a book
but walking out of all we made
was worth a second look

Your heart gave me more joy than pain
more sunshine than the rain
and looking back, I wouldn't change
posted by Sinister at 7:09 PM

 
When every light
reflects from Love

I know

When the simplest
touch, whisper, glance
is more than I expected

I know

When you say goodbye to me
with tears

I'll know
posted by Sinister at 10:48 AM

 
I could have died in that moment, watching the symphony of sunset reflected in your eyes.
posted by Sinister at 9:24 AM

 
new direction,
new inflection,
no reflection,
introspection.

it's time this place had a chance
to be what it was intended to be
not a lost repository of demented hopes and fears
(a freakshow of spite)
but a halo of hope in an otherwise
bleak world.

I will chase windmills for you
for you, my lady, are my Love.
posted by Sinister at 9:15 AM