aspie ranting |
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If I seem a little distant or incoherent, it's because I am. I am not a NeuroTypical and I have no desire to become one. This is simply the area in which I stim my creative impulses. (WARNING: All entries are either ENTIRELY TRUE or ENTIRELY FALSE and anything claiming to be one of the latter is, in fact, one of the former. There are no exceptions to this rule.) comments, marriage proposals, and death threats can be sent here 
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Friday, May 31, 2002
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
29 May. Oak Aple or Royal Oak Day in England in memory of the oak trees in which Charles, later King Charles II, hid himself from the Roundheads in September 1651 in a Shropshire forest. A spray of oak in the hat was the badge of a loyalist on this day, the King's birthday as well as the day in which he rode into London in 1660. Tuesday, May 28, 2002
it all collapses like a flan in a cupboard... why is desolation and pain the fucking synecdoche of my whole unholy FUCKING LIFE?!?! In 1881 there was a violent thunderstorm near Worcester and tons of periwinkles and hermit crabs came down from the sky, covering fields and a road, for about a mile. It was suggested that they had been dumped by a fishmonger, which greatly amused Charles Fort. ------------- hehe... fishmonger. 28 May. St Theodolous the Stylite saat on top of a pillar in Asia Minor for 48 years. He then got a message from God to come down and talk to a clown who told him that his sacrifice had been utterly selfish. He returned, unabashed, to the top of his pillar to repent his selfishness. Monday, May 27, 2002
I can just see Ezra Pound in his death-cell at Pisa, writing "Out of all this beauty, something must come." well, he was just trying to cheer himself up... I guess so am I. (and yes, I did get the email. and hope doesn't look so warm anymore) not the same... it's not the same... it's changing... something else... here... there... together... death, life... unity "Destiny... destiny protect me from the world Destiny... hold my hand, protect me from the world Here we are, with our running and confusion And I don't see no confusion anywhere" -- Anyone Can Play Guitar, by Radiohead Sunday, May 26, 2002
I can still see her crying... it's burned in as a permanent reminder of how painful love is. "Fuck you! I hate you!" and it will be her mantra... and someday, she'll be sitting out on her porch and she'll look up at a purple sky and she'll see... she'll know what love is. she'll know that that's all there really is to life. the energy bonds never break. these vessels can die off and leave us, but the light remains. we each had our visions... Rachel saw herself as luggage and all the people around her would pack her up into 9 suitcases... Shannon saw herself drowning in her own skin and unable to get herself out or reach the surface... I saw... Death. I saw... Cruelty. I saw... Pain. I saw... myself dying. metaphors all around.... maybe. "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche "There have been many definitions of beauty in art. What is it? Beauty is what the untrained eyes consider abominable." -- Goncourt waiting for the 'chute to open tugging at the cord realizing it's only heartstrings but no ripcord... it feels strange to be alone now... I keep expecting the feeling of syncopated heartbeats and unison breathing. my stomach is having tides (as opposed to waves) of nausea because I feel like something is missing. weary soul wandering soul stop here and drink of my love and let me stay. Saturday, May 25, 2002
worried.... it's been so long... and she promised to call to let me know she's okay... I don't know what's going on... and I'm worried. Friday, May 24, 2002
to my one true love: "Love is a costly flower, but one must have the desire to pluck it from the edge of a precipice." -- Stendhal "Put them in a spot where they have no place to go, and they will die before fleeing." -- Sun-Tzu you can't be angry with me for using the things I read as a child. It's all I ever knew... the only real power I had was the power that I created with my mind. they didn't love me for my body... Sganarelle to Don Juan: Well, what I have to say is . . . I don't know what to say; for you turn things in such a manner with your words, that it seems that you are right; and yet, the truth of it is, you are not. I had the finest thoughts in the world, and your words have totally scrambled them up. -- Moli�re no more games. no more fear. no more safety nets. this is for real. and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thursday, May 23, 2002
of course... I should have known that on a discordian holy day there would be discord... what the fuck? so I drive 35 miles out of my way and for what? for you to tell me that you're "not ready" to deal with me? well, fine... then you don't have to. Wednesday, May 22, 2002
wow... um... okay... so Britney Spears is going to be on 6 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer next season... and she's gonna be a vamp... mmm... whenever you worry, doubt, or think it would be better running somewhere far away... remember... love is a powerful thing which binds all of us to eachother. some bonds are stronger than others and some love is so strong it surpasses bonds and allows for a merging... we both know that you know that this is beyond all of that. just let yourself be happy... it doesn't matter what they all think... I know. and besides... a smile looks much better on you. *grins* this world is so savage... let's not make it any harder than it already is, love... nurture your heart and embrace the love that surrounds you... and if you don't believe me, just ask your friends... Tuesday, May 21, 2002
I need to borrow someone's digital camera... rowr... times like these I wish I had friends I hadn't alienated... Monday, May 20, 2002
red... powers... fermented... safe... electric... manifested... hybridized. it's like a radio... it plays and plays... but the one thing I need is missing... can't it just pause for station identification? 20 May. 'Christopher Columbus' died in 1506, or did he? He is thought by some scholars to be a conflation of two characters, Cristofero Colombo of Genoa (1451-1480) and Cristobal Colon (1460-1506), born illegitimately in the Jewish Ghetto of Majorca, the son of prince Carlos of Viana and Margarita Colon, who took on the identity of the old mariner to protect himself from assassination by his uncle, King Ferdinand, over whose throne he had a claim. Ferdinand had succeeded to the throne in 1461 after the death of the aforementioned half-brother Carlos, who was probably poisoned. I can feel them coming back... they're different now... less wild... more focused... this could be a very dangerous development... thursday will come too soon... Sunday, May 19, 2002
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
15 May. St Dymphna's Day. She is the patron saint of the insane, but she too is just in the mind, probably derived from ma dompna ('my lady') the traditional address of a medieval poet to his lady-love. Tuesday, May 14, 2002
"I never took the Kobyashi Maru test until now... what do you think of my solution?" -- Captain Spock, Star Trek II -- The Wrath of Kahn" Monday, May 13, 2002
Sunday, May 12, 2002
12 May. St Pancras Day. He is very a popular saint all over Europe, in spite of little being known about him except that he was a Roman martyr in a bout 304AD, buried on the Aurelian Way. Legend says that he was a 14-years-old boy form Phrygia. The oldest church in England -in St Pancras, London - was dedicated to him by St Augustine, and contains the claw marks left by the devil whom the saint had to expel from the site. He had sensible views on devils - "All diseases of Christians are to be ascribed to demons" - which must have made diagnosis much easier. Friday, May 10, 2002
"And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'Cos I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad World" -- "Mad World" by Tears For Fears (though I prefer the version performed by Gary Jules) Thursday, May 09, 2002
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
I never wanted you to leave... just didn't want you around. and now all I ask of you is leave me broken -- unfound... 8 May. The Apparition of St Michael. Climbing one of the sacred mounts on either side of the English Channel, St Michael's Mount in England, or Mont St Michel in France, is guaranteed to sure madness. Both these mounts were previously dedicated to Mercury, and indeed Michael, the angel of death, has inherited a lot of Hermes/Mercury's attributes, including the trumpet of the Last Trump. During the War in Heaven, Michael commanded the loyal troops and God delegated to him the 'words of power' that defeated the rebellious forces under Lucifer and propelled them down to the underworld. Monday, May 06, 2002
"What is happiness? - The feeling that power increases - that a resistance is overcome..." -- Nietzsche Saturday, May 04, 2002
Friday, May 03, 2002
2AM -- the only thing that saved me was the part of me that took over when I helped a hungry person get some food. after all, I know what it feels like to be lacking something that you need... empathy? perhaps... When Freud coined the phrase that the ego was "the true seat of anxiety," he was giving voice to a very true and profound intuition. Fear of self-sacrifice lurks deep in every ego, and this fear is often only the precariously controlled demand of the unconscious forces to burst out in full strength. No one who strives for selfhood (individuation) is spared this dangerous passage, for that which is feared also belongs to the wholeness of the self - the sub-human, or supra-human, world of psychic "dominants" from which the ego originally emancipated itself with enormous effort, and then only partially, for the sake of a more or less illusory freedom. This liberation is certainly a very necessary and very heroic undertaking, but it represents nothing final: it is merely the creation of a subject, who, in order to find fulfillment, has still to be confronted by an object. This, at first sight, would appear to be the world, which is swelled out with projections for that very purpose. Here we seek and find our difficulties, here we seek and find our enemy, here we seek and find what is dear and precious to us; and it is comforting to know that all evil and all good is to be found out there, in the visible object, where it can be conquered, punished, destroyed or enjoyed. But nature herself does not allow this paradisal state of innocence to continue for ever. There are, and always have been, those who cannot help but see that the world and its experiences are in the nature of a symbol, and that it really reflects something that lies hidden in the subject himself, in his own transubjective reality. You must remember, too, that the experience is safe (at the very worst, you will end up the same person who entered the experience), and that all of the dangers which you have feared are unnecessary productions of your mind. Whether you experience heaven or hell, remember that it is your mind which creates them. Avoid grasping the one or fleeing the other. Avoid imposing the ego game on the experience. "If you started in the wrong way," I said in answer to the toughest questions, "everything that happened would be a proof of the conspiracy against you. It would all be self-validating. You couldn't draw a breath without knowing it was part of the plot." "So you think you know where madness lies?" My answer was a convinced and heartfelt, "Yes." "And you couldn't control it?" "No I couldn't control it. If one began with fear and hate as the major premise, one would have to go on the conclusion." 3 May. The festival of the Invention (or Discovery) of the Holy Cross. The Empress Helena (mother of Constantine the Great) discovered the Cross in 326 AD deep inside a well on Calvary Hill in Jerusalem. She bequeathed it to the bishop of Jerusalem, who promptly started selling it off in splinters. Like most medieval relics, it seemed to have magic regenerative powers and the splinters just kept coming. The cross did not appear in Christian art till the 6th century. It was condemned by early Christian fathers as pagan, and still survives as such in scarecrows. Thursday, May 02, 2002
in my search for ecstasy, I think I may have found the answer... ecstasy, from the latin ex-stasis -- literally, out of a frozen state. I am stuck on life... I thought she could provide it... but she was just the catalyst... and now... well, you'll see... someday. Wednesday, May 01, 2002
as she walked out of his life, the line went dead with a cold, hollow click. His only comfort was that he was right about the ending. He loved her more than he had ever loved anything before, and he felt like someone had pulled a melon baller up from his navel to his neck. Collapsing in pain, he cried. Not because of what she had to say, but more because in the song of his life, the lyrics never seemed to match the melody. There was somthing chilling about the way it never quite fit. At the start, he felt like an operatic character who was coughing in the first scene. Now, it had consumed him. It hurt to know that she never trusted him. She told him that she loved him, but he could hear how strained she made it sound. Crumbled and used, he was her paper cup... disposable. She raped him a thousand times, but he never saw her as a monster. And, finally... when he opened up to her, she ran from what she found. She always expected more from him; he should have been a thousand things... but she couldn't deal with him being the one thing he was -- human. Life shouldn't be about surviving, or about making things easy. Life shouldn't be about fears and regrets. Life shouldn't be about gauging the space between him and her. He never quite understood why they always were in conflict. It always seemed to be about what she wanted, but he wanted her to have it all. And he would have given up anything for her; he would have given up immortality for her. I could never define our relationship. There is no prefabricated category into which we fit. Not platonic, yet never completely physical and most of the time carried out electronically, many miles apart. But now, faith gone and abused, he hates his love and the powerless feeling he gets from it. He wants to believe that there's a way to get her back, but he knows that he can't hide that which he has shown. Nobody can fake humanity, and nobody can fake the absence... not fully... nobody can fake humanity innocence is not something you can lose... maybe it's something you can steal. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to outsleep all his pain. He wanted to let go of everything and go live on a mountain somewhere and pretend that the world -- no, just that she -- didn't exist... He wanted her. He wanted to see that look in her eyes. Or maybe he wanted to be sure that it was gone. Or maybe he just wanted to look at her one last time. Whatever it was, she wouldn't ever give him the satisfactions. She never did -- even when they were "in love." And when they fell, he flew under her to cushion her from the pending discomfort. And so he took the bulk of the pain, as he always did with people. But it was okay, because he loves to be a martyr. He knew that he wasn't supposed to be happy... not completely. Maybe he sabotaged it and wanted the pain to finish his metamorphosis. Maybe he needed to get the fuck off this 5,000 mile gravity cesspool full of stagnating robots. And he saw the gears in his own head, but they were still. like his heart... stillborn 1 May. Beltane - May Day. The May Queen is probably a representative of either the Roman goddess Flora or else Freya, whose mating with Frey in the woods insured that spring would be fertile. |
faeries have died because YOU haven't been clapping hard enough.